Ugh

That's how I feel right now.

Ugh. Gross. Yucky. Sick. Depressed. Anxious.

I don't like it.

I just spent what felt like forever in the bathroom, trying to throw up. Nothing. That, added with massive heartburn at night, sums up the last few days for me. Food looks and smells gross. My house smells gross (to me, anyway). Everything smells gross. I don't want to do anything. Grocery shopping is less than appealing. Cleaning is impossible. And a dirty house seems to just magnify everything for me.

Feeling sick is not doing good things for my mental health either. I did not experience this at all with my first pregnancy, so it's all new. I've gone from the happy, naive pregnant girl who LOVED every minute of pregnancy, to being the miserable, grumpy pregnant girl that can't wait to get through the first trimester, because hopefully, the sickness will pass.

This feeling of being sick all the time is making me feel unhealthy. I HATE feeling unhealthy. Any of you who had the "privilege" of walking through my anxiety and depression with me a few years ago know that I don't do well with sickness. I have a lot of FEAR when it comes to sickness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of my morning sickness. I know I'm supposed to be sick. I know it's for a reason. That's not what scares me. What I'm having trouble with now is the constant feeling of sickness and how that's affecting the way I handle other things.

For example...I got my blood test results back the other day. My white blood cell count was high. Okay, not that high, but it was flagged because it was like .8 higher than what is within normal limits. This should not be a big deal. Maybe I was fighting a virus or some bacteria or something. What adds to it though, is that I have had these darn swollen lymph nodes for YEARS (yes, YEARS). I've had them checked a few times and blood work done a few times and everything comes back fine. Doctors have said they're small. Not a big deal. But I think the constant stress of already feeling sick is making me extra sensitive to it. And with blood work being flagged, that brings back any fear that I had.

In addition to that, in the last two weeks, I have found out about two different people, young people, diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Scary stuff. I know I am not alone in saying that cancer scares me. BIG TIME. But I don't know how many people share my fear of it. Sometimes I think it's an irrational fear. I used to worry about it a lot and that is what, in essence, led to my anxiety and depression. And while I've been over that irrational fear for a few years, I am not handling the news of these individuals very well at all. In fact, I'm having a pretty hard time with it, and I'm not even that close to these people.

So I'm having a pretty hard time with all of it. It seemed like my first pregnancy was this joyous time, free of worry, free of sickness. I felt great. In fact, I probably felt healthier than I had in a long time. I felt like it was even a great time of healing for me. It seemed to bring me out of any depression or anxiety I was still feeling. And this time around is SO different. In fact, I feel the anxiety coming back, and I HATE that. I just want to feel healthy. I just want to be happy. There's a new baby on the way, for heaven's sake! A new blessing. It's going to be awesome. I just need to get through this crud.

Sorry, I rambled this time around. I just needed to get it all off my chest.