Vulnerability

Today at church, our pastor spoke about Gideon, in Judges 8. He was an unlikely hero in the Bible who trusted the Lord to take him through battle and defeat the Midianites. After Gideon saved the Israelites, they praised him. Gideon took some of that praise, but ALL of the praise should have gone to the Lord. Our lesson in that, today, is that we need to give credit to the true hero, God, for all that we accomplish and for all of who we are. Stemming off from that, our pastor spoke about being vulnerable and real with others, showing our true colors and not just what we think makes us look cool. We all want to be cool, accepted, a "hero," and we will often hide some of our deepest truths in an effort to save our image. His message today about vulnerability hit home for me and prompted me to post this, something that has been a work in progress...

In the last couple of months, God has had A LOT to teach me in certain areas of my life. I know I've kept my blog pretty surface level for the last little while, but I'm going to go a little deeper today. Are you ready for the ride?

We had our last MOMs group meeting of the season a few weeks ago. Different moms from the group volunteered to give their testimonies of how being a part of MOMs has positively affected their lives and their relationships with God. As I listened to their testimonies, something hit me. What I've been feeling lately, spiritually and emotionally, has very little to do with everyone else, but everything to do with me.

As I sat and listened to the testimonies, as these women spoke of the support systems they have with other moms, I wondered where I was going wrong and what needed to change. I was listening to women who had built meaningful relationships with other women, who were being mentored, who were being held accountable. Why was I not experiencing these relationships, too?

At first, I was bitter. I started believing Satan's lies...People don't like me. I'm not a good friend. They've already got better friends, so they have no time for me. If they really liked me, they would call me or make an effort to have a relationship with me...This is what I was thinking, and it was making me angry.

Truthfully, I've been lonely for the last six years. Yes, since I've been married. And that is not, by any means, putting the blame on Bryce or our marriage. A lot factors into that feeling. I got married, and at the same time, moved away from all of my nearest and dearest friends, did not have my own family close by, and moved to a place I had never lived before and had no prior connection to (aside from the fact Bryce grew up here). To top that off, I am extremely shy and introverted, which does not make it easy when it comes to building relationships.

I figured after being here for six years, I'd have built some pretty deep friendships. And there have been seasons. I have had some wonderful friends throughout seasons of my marriage and now into motherhood. I've had women to spend time with and Bryce and I have had couples to do things with. We love that, and we love our friends. But why, WHY have I still felt so alone?

The answer to this question came after lots of prayer and reflection. I have not been REAL. I have not been open in my friendships. I have not been vulnerable. When people ask how I'm doing, I give the easy answer..."good, things are going really well." The other option, honesty, was always a scary one. It is HARD to be vulnerable.

So, in the last six years, I've managed to build up a beautiful brick wall that no one can seem to get past. And I say it's beautiful because it is. Some people, I've learned recently, have perceived me as one who has it all together. One who has deep relationships. One who has a strong faith and no questions. And, I've learned, when people perceive those things about you, they aren't likely to seek you out. Does that make sense? Basically, people aren't going to expect that you need something when you make it look like you don't.

So recently, I decided to get out the sledge hammer and start chipping away at that brick wall. I told a friend from my home group at church. I told her I needed prayer, I was having a tough time. I didn't elaborate in the e-mail, I just left it at that. She said she'd pray, and the next time I saw her, she asked what was going on. I told her, and wow...I learned, then and there, that when you are obedient to what God is calling you to do, blessings abound. I immediately felt a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I felt blessed by my friend and gained some new perspective on my loneliness and struggles. I learned that it really does take vulnerability to move past the difficult feelings of loneliness I was having. I learned that I am not the only one having these struggles. I was encouraged to initiate friendships and take steps towards building relationships, rather than waiting for people to come to me.

I'm starting to make more of an effort to put myself out there. I am joining the MOMs leadership group at church, an opportunity I'm pretty excited about. I also shared my feelings with the other women in my home group just last Sunday. It was a little scary to be vulnerable like that, but I have felt so blessed since then. It feels good not to put on a fake front anymore. There's an awesome freedom in being myself and knowing that these women love me even if I'm not perfect and don't have it all together. It's awesome to know that they care and want to walk with me through difficult times, as well as good times.

There's still a ways to go, as we are all constantly being molded and shaped, but I'm so thankful that God revealed truth in my life and disproved the lies I was believing. My encouragement to you is to be REAL. You will not be sorry.